the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
