I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
