There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
