# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
two words...techno handjob
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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