I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
