Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
