Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
