god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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