i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
