I didn't shave. On purpose
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
