I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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