im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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