the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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