Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
