They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
