I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Two words: blizzard sex
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
