How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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