he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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