mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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