I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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