His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
