you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
