I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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