You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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