I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She bit a glass in half.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
