I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
