i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
