So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
