all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
