imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
worst night to have a conscience
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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