Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
