i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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