I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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