I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
