my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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