I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My penis needs a shock collar
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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