I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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