Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
