This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
