I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
