omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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