she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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