I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
