My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
