I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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