I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
