Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
