I accidentally had phone sex last night
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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