It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
