I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
