Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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