You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
